Being mentally strong requires productive self-regulation of your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Yet few things are as difficult to control as a sense of confidence.
You might feel self-assured one moment, and then something external, like a bad meeting with a boss, can send you into a spiral of insecurity.
Growing your confidence is hard enough even when you’re not accidentally sabotaging your own progress. As I explain in my new book “The Mentally Strong Leader,” you can take active steps to get out of your own way and bolster your confidence.
If you can make these eight mental shifts, your confidence will surge — and, along with it, your mental strength.
1. Stop believing confidence is the absence of doubt
We all experience doubt at some level. I interviewed and surveyed thousands of people for my book, and I can confidently tell you not one of them said that doubt was completely absent from their life.
Confidence is about managing your relationship with doubt — learning to embrace it, accepting the fact that you’re not going to know everything you’d like to in the face of uncertainty, and believing in your ability to figure things out along the way.
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2. Determine whose feedback actually matters
Just because someone gives you feedback, especially criticism, it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Brené Brown, for example, will tell you that if you’re not “in the arena” — meaning if you don’t have direct and relevant experience — she doesn’t want to hear your thoughts.
I’m not suggesting you should shut down any and all feedback. That would stunt your growth. Just be intentional about who can be in your inner circle of critics.
When it comes to feedback that does make the cut, just listen as it comes in. Focus on finding the truth in what’s being said that you can grow from.
Be intentional about who can be in your inner circle of critics.
Maybe deep within the feedback you received about your presentation skills, for example, there’s a gem about how you need to open stronger, with an interesting story or something to hook the audience right up front. You agree, adjust, and grow.
Even if the feedback stings in the moment, remember that people who care about you are giving it to help you, not hurt you.
3. Decide failure happens for you, not to you
Setbacks are meant to make you stronger.
When the pandemic struck and live events evaporated, my business giving keynote speeches and running workshops ground to a halt. I was devastated — everything I’d built was compromised overnight. My confidence plunged.
Then I realized I could see this “failure” as happening for me. I found ways to make my talks and workshops equally powerful in a virtual setting. The menu of options I can offer clients grew exponentially, and I’m all the stronger for it.
4. Act as if you already have approval
It’s a never-ending quest. In this mindset, you’re always beholden to a “stamp of approval” from an external source to move forward. It can slow you down and increase your sense of insecurity when you don’t get it.
In your bid to be liked or accepted, you can slowly drift from acting like the real you. Ask yourself why you’re seeking approval, and consider how your need for approval holds you back.
Instead, act as if you already have approval by, for example, taking that smart risk instead of asking for permission.
5. Stop comparing yourself to others
I teach mental strength and this is one I still fall victim to.
Some comparison is good — it helps us measure ourselves and set standards. But I’m talking about irrelevant comparisons, like on social media, where we tend to hold up our bloopers against other people’s highlight reels, and feel our confidence plummet accordingly.
As I say in “The Mentally Strong Leader,” “the only comparison that matters is to who you were yesterday and whether or not you’re becoming a better version of yourself.”
6. Talk to yourself the way you would to a friend
Stop all that negative inner chatter — the destructive thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes that take over. Get rid of that little demon who sits on our shoulder playing the role of unhelpful critic.
Instead, talk to yourself as you would to a friend in need, with compassion and empathy.
For example, instead of saying to yourself, “I really screwed up that meeting, I’m such an idiot!” say, “That didn’t go as I had hoped, but it’s just one meeting. What can I learn from it to apply next time?”
7. Own your accomplishments
It feels easier said than done to stop feeling like an imposter, but here’s an exercise that can help.
First, list all the external reasons why you got to where you are: You had help from that mentor. You were in the right place at the right time.
Got all that out of your system? Good.
Now list the internal reasons — the unique value you bring, the accomplishments that simply would not have happened without you, and the things you’re underappreciating about yourself.
8. Remind yourself that you are enough
If you take away nothing else from this article, remember this: You are enough. You are good enough.
It’s easy to view your differences as a burden, but they’re what make you unique. Sure, there are things you can work on to improve, like everyone else on the planet. But the starting point of you is something to be proud of.
When that unhelpful inner critic starts chattering in your ear, tell it, “Enough.” Then, say out loud, “I am enough.” In fact, say it out loud, right now. Believe it. Your confident self already does.
Scott Mautz is a popular speaker, trainer, and LinkedIn Learning instructor. He’s a former senior executive of Procter & Gamble, where he ran several of the company’s largest multi-billion-dollar businesses. He is the author of “The Mentally Strong Leader: Build the Habits to Productively Regulate Your Emotions, Thoughts, and Behaviors.” Follow him on LinkedIn.
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