When your child is having a meltdown at the grocery store or refusing to get out of bed for school in the morning, it’s tempting — and understandable — to want to scold them and list off all the reasons why these behaviors are not OK.
But it turns out that talking might not actually be the best approach to course correction, says psychologist Caroline Fleck. Fleck is an adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University and author of the upcoming book “Validation.”
Instead, she says, more parents should try listening and affirming: “The single greatest thing that we can do as parents is to become more skilled in validation.”
When a child feels heard and not shamed for their feelings, they are more open to changing their behavior.
‘The point is to validate the emotion and then focus on what’s not valid’
Fleck uses this strategy with her own children. For example, instead of chastising her daughter for not wanting to do her chores, Fleck asks her to explain why she got so upset when asked to empty the dishwasher.
“She’ll give me a wildly inaccurate depiction of what went down,” Fleck says. “She describes me as screaming at her and throwing things and really, I asked her to empty the dishwasher”
By listening and affirming that yes, no one wants to do chores, you’re stripping the conversation of judgment. Then, you can move on to telling your child why its necessary to uphold certain responsibilities.
“The point is to validate the emotion and then focus on what’s not valid, which is the behavior [and that’s] what needs to change,” she says.
‘Guilt leads to repair’
Kids who are raised in environments where their emotions are consistently invalidated can start to feel shame, which isn’t a productive emotion, sociologist and Columbia Business School professor Adam Galinsky told CNBC Make It.
Shame doesn’t encourage critical thinking or problem solving. It’s “debilitating and destabilizing,” Galinsky says. Guilt, on the other had, can motivate kids to find a solution. “Guilt leads to repair, but shame often leads to avoidance.”
By decoupling a child’s feelings from their tantrum, you can show them that frustration or disappointment is inevitable, but we can always choose to act respectfully.
Want to up your AI skills and be more productive? Take CNBC’s new online course How to Use AI to Be More Successful at Work. Expert instructors will teach you how to get started, practical uses, tips for effective prompt-writing, and mistakes to avoid. Sign up now and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+ taxes and fees) through February 11, 2025.
