People are afraid to make decisions they’ll regret. But again and again, I’ve seen people make bad choices.
I’m a decision coach who offers one service: a single session in which I help someone make a big (or small) decision. I’ve worked with over 500 clients, helping them decide whether to switch careers, take job offers, get married, get divorced, have kids, start a business, get a tattoo removed, and more.
In each session, I listen to a client describe their dilemma to me before we break down all their options and choose the best path forward. Over the years, I’ve noticed one mistake in particular that is almost guaranteed to fill them with regret.
The No. 1 mistake that leads to huge regret
People take promotions even though they know that they’re bad at managing people. They move to Los Angeles even though they hate driving. They go to medical school even though the thought of more years of studying makes them miserable.
They will never be happy with the outcomes, because they’re making these decisions for the person they wish they were, not the person they actually are.
So many of us fail at New Year’s resolutions for the same reason. We’re making decisions with our aspirational selves in mind. Then, when Jan. 1 comes and goes and we realize we’re still our old selves, we fail to fulfill our resolutions and feel terrible. Repeat annually.
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This isn’t to say people can’t change. Of course they can. But that kind of change — becoming a morning person, for example, or a person who will happily quit their job to be a more present parent — takes a long time. And when you need to make a decision now, it’s best to make it based on the person you are at this moment.
Pay attention to red flag phrases
How can you if tell you’re making a decision for your aspirational self rather than your actual self? I’ve compiled a list over the years of what I call red flag phrases — language that signals someone is trying to make a decision that’s not in line with who they are:
- “I should…”
- “Well, I could…”
- “Maybe if I…”
- “I could try to…”
- “If I can just…”
For example, you tell yourself: “If I can just start going to bed earlier, I’ll be able to get up at 6 a.m. and write for an hour before the day starts.” Maybe, but when was the last time you consistently went to bed early?
That may seem like a relatively minor example, but the same thing happens with bigger decisions, like the car-hater who moves to LA, the student who’s miserable studying but applies to medical school anyway, or the career-driven parent who leaves their job.
Those red flag phrases are often a sign that you’re trying to talk yourself into becoming a different kind of person. If you’re trying to make a decision that involves a personality change, I’d suggest not doing that.
Make decisions for who you are, not who you aspire to be
You will not become a different person overnight. And if you try to tell yourself you will, you’ll regret it.
Instead, I recommend each client think about and write down — this part is important! — a list of their values. These should include not just broad ideas like “justice” but also the specific things that make you happy each day.
For me, this includes never setting an alarm clock in the morning. For some of my clients, these have been:
- Feeling like an expert at work
- Spending time with my dog
- Doing triathlons
- Walking in the woods for five miles every day
Don’t steer away from these discoveries about yourself. Lean into them! Try making decisions that align with who you are right now: your likes and dislikes, your energy levels, your attention span, your sleep habits! You’ll be much more likely to succeed and much less likely to regret.
Nell Wulfhart has been helping people make big (and small!) decisions since 2013. Her clients have included politicians, hedge fund managers, Netflix executives, poets, parents, med students, and many more. You can listen in on her coaching sessions on her podcast, The Decision Coach. Find her at decisioncoach.com.
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